


The Swear Jar

by MaikaMaika



Series: The Team Mustang Sitcom [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, Humor, Rated for swearing, and riza needs a pay raise, because most of the plot is about swearing......., ed is an impulsive idiot, roy is a grumpy ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 20:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16562990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaikaMaika/pseuds/MaikaMaika
Summary: “I don’t want to criticize your parenting techniques, but I highly doubt that an office full of military officers is the best place to leave a six-month-old child,”“I just need you to keep an eye on her while I’m gone; I’ll only be gone for about half an hour, or so. I trust you won’t let anything bad happen to her,”





	The Swear Jar

The Colonel had been working non-stop since 8 am, but it looked like he would have to skip lunch today and sacrifice some sleep if he wanted to finish his paperwork anytime soon. If he kept going at this rate his hair would surely be grey before he reached thirty-five. But despite the rapidly approaching deadlines, it was one of those rare mornings where everything seemed normal; no government conspiracies, no spontaneous ghost hunts, no chases for dead serial killers. Just him and his team battling a neverending tidal wave of paperwork. It was all so abnormally normal.

As on cue, the door slammed open.  
“‘Morning, Roy-boy!”

And there it is, Roy thought. The inevitable force of that will plunge the office into chaos.

“What do you want, Maes?” He didn’t like to be blunt towards his friend, but the man had an uncanny ability to turn any mundane event into a circus, and that was the last thing Roy needed today.

“Looks like someone’s a bit grumpy today,” Hughes beamed. “I bet my daughter would be able to cheer yo-”

“Are you just here to shove pictures of your family in my face again? I’ve seen them all at least twenty times before…”

“No, this is much better than just a photograph!” Hughes said proudly as he rolled a baby stroller up to Roy’s desk.

“Very cute,” Roy said without lifting his eyes off the document.

“How dare you ignore my precious little princess?” Maes gasped dramatically as he clutched a hand to his chest.

Roy rolled his eyes. “Look, Maes, I’m already behind on my paperwork, so if you could go bother someone else that would be great.”

“I’ll have you know: Elicia is a pure little angel and her smile could motivate anyone, even a grumpy old man like yourself!”

“You know what would really motivate me? You, leaving me alone.”

“Well, aren’t you just a ray of sunshine today?” Hughes chuckled. “I’m not only here to show you how wonderful my daughter is-”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it: you’re here to show me your wife too…”

“No, I’m here to ask you for a favour,”

Roy sighed. “Make it quick,”

“Gracia got called into the hospital for work and our babysitter is sick, so I had to bring her to work today. I have a meeting in five minutes and, for some reason, General Hakuro wouldn’t let me bring her with me,”

“I don’t want to criticize your parenting techniques, but I highly doubt that an office full of military officers is the best place to leave a six-month-old child.”

“I just need you to keep an eye on her while I’m gone; I’ll only be gone for about half an hour, or so. I trust you won’t let anything bad happen to her”

“And if I refuse?”

“Why on earth would you refuse to spend time with my precious bundle of joy?”

Roy glanced at the tiny creature in the stroller and she stared back at him with big curious eyes. Roy sighed in defeat. “Alright, as long as you promise it won’t be more than thirty minutes; I am very busy.”

But Hughes didn’t hear him as he was already on his way out of the door.

“GOODBYE ROY-BOY,” Hughes hollered as he left the office with a mock-salute. Roy was sure that at least half of Central had heard him. It would take a while before he managed to live down that nickname.

Roy took a deep breath to calm himself as the seriousness of the situation sunk in; he was stuck with a child, whether he liked it or not. He knew everything would turn out alright if he and his team somehow managed to stay level-headed and not make any dumb decisions; In other words: he needed a fucking miracle. Sure, he had been a child once, but he doubted that the Madame’s gruff way of raising him in a shady hostess bar aligned with the Hughes family’s idyllic lifestyle. This wasn’t the first time he had taken care of a child, he reminded himself; the Elric brothers hadn’t been more than twelve and eleven when they joined Roy’s team. He had been Edward’s superior officer for roughly four years now and look how well he had turned out!

Edward Elric was sitting on the couch in the corner of his office with both his feet propped up on the coffee table. He scratched his head with his middle finger in a discrete attempt at flipping off Mustang, as he wrote the ten-page damage report from his latest misadventure.

Perhaps Fullmetal wasn’t the best example after all.

Roy sighed. “I’m a highly trained military officer; I’m supposed to be working on important paperwork, not babysitting a child!”

“Now you know how Hawkeye feels on a daily basis.” Ed piped up.

“Well at least she doesn’t have to deal with your whiny ass all day”

“Anything would be better than spending time with a narcissistic piece of shit like you”

“Hey! Watch your fucking language, Fullmetal -there are children present!”

But Elicia didn’t seem to mind the commotion; instead, she looked up at the small alchemist in awe as his face started turning a deep magenta.

“Quit telling me what to do!”

“Don’t you dare raise your voice towards me, young man,”

“you aren’t my fucking father!” Ed roared as he stormed out of the office. 

The abrupt slam of the door made Elicia burst out in tears and Roy scrambled to the stroller to calm down the wailing baby, hissing curses under his breath.

Hawkeye shook her head and poured herself a strong cup of coffee.  
“I need a pay rise”

 

The baby finally stopped screaming after what felt like hours. To everyone’s surprise, Havoc had been the only one who was able to calm her down. He was by far the most knowledgeable on Mustang’s team when it came to children due to growing up with an impressive amount of siblings, but he couldn’t focus on his work with the adorable baby beside him so they eventually decided it would be best to leave Elicia under Hawkeye’s surveillance.

The office was finally calming down after the quarrel. The only thing that interrupted the sound of their pens was Elicia’s quiet chatter from the stroller. Riza had to admit that she liked working beside the baby; her innocence and contagious cheerfulness stood in stark contrast to the depressing paperwork she had to deal with on a daily basis. She let her stoic facade slip for a moment as she smiled and leaned down to the baby. 

After listening to her cheerful chatter for a few seconds her smile turned to horror. Soon all the men were looking at her with concern; it was never a good sign if the unflappable lieutenant looked like she had seen a ghost. Seeing the first lieutenant with a look of genuine terror was rare and strictly reserved for the most dire situations. They knew that something was very wrong when they heard the lieutenant whisper “we are all going to die”.

Roy hurried over to the stroller expecting the worst, but at first glance, nothing seemed wrong; Elicia was as lively and chipper as ever, and all her limbs were present. When she saw the colonel’s face she broke out in a big grin.

“Fuck” 

The word sounded alien and wrong when it came from the mouth of a six-month-old.

“Lieutenant did the baby just say ‘fuck’,”

Riza nodded silently. 

“Fuck” Elicia giggled again, this time louder.

The room went quiet as everyone stared disbelief at the oblivious child in horror and disbelief.

“Oh, shi-” 

Hawkeye clamped a hand over the colonel’s mouth before he managed to dig them all deeper into their own graves.

 

It didn’t take long before the office had broken out into utter chaos; the Colonel was pacing in front of his desk, trying to block out the sound of Warrant Officer Falman reading paragraphs from parenting books out loud. Second Lieutenant Havoc had smoked six cigarettes within the last ten minutes and his desk was slowly being consumed by a cloud of nicotine. Master sergeant Fuery had crawled under his desk in a fetal position after Second Lieutenant Breda had snuck out of the room mumbling something about how “sometimes the best tactic is retreat”. Lieutenant Hawkeye was the only one who was trying to stay level-headed and defuse the situation by trying to make the baby stop swearing.

“Duck! Were you trying to say duck?”

“Fuck,”

“Truck? Elicia, can you say ‘truck’?”

Elicia stared blankly at Riza. “Fuck,” she said again, this time with a little more confidence.

The door burst open and Alphonse Elric dragged his brooding brother into the office. The chaos died down briefly as everyone directed their attention towards the brothers.

“We’re here to apologize,” Al announced, “-or rather, I’m here to apologize for my cowardly brother”

At the sight of the hulking armour, Elicia’s face lit up. She waved her hands in the air and greeted Al by shouting “Fuck,” at the top of her little lungs.

“Excuse me, what did she just say?” Alphonse asked, baffled by the fact that a six-month-old was more vulgar than himself.

Falman cleared this throat. “Fuck (used with an object): a verb, and vulgar slang meaning to have sexual intercourse with someone. The word can also be used as a noun-”

“Thank you, Fallman,” Riza interrupted.

“No problem, Lieutenant,” he said proudly. “I’m always glad to assist my acquaintances with my knowledge!”

Riza rubbed her temples; this was going to be a long day. 

“We need a plan,” Riza said.

“We leave Fullmetal behind so he can face Hughes on his own as punishment for what he has done,” Roy declared.

“Isn’t that a bit cruel?” Al asked.

“It’s all his fault so it would only be fair if he’s the one to face the consequences of his actions,”

Riza crossed her arms. “Well, you aren’t exactly innocent either,” 

“What do you mean? I tried to defuse the situation; Fullmetal was the one who started shouting,”

“You were the one who riled him up in the first place,” Riza deadpanned. She was starting to lose her patience with both of them. “If you two don’t cooperate I’m going to lock you both in here with Maes,”

Ed thought for a moment before his eyes lit up with one of his infamous ideas. “We’re calling the hospital!” he announced.

“What- no!” The kid’s impulsive ideas never failed to baffle Roy. “I’ve heard you come up with some truly stupid plans before but this one is crossing the line,”

“Calm down, Sir,” Riza said. “Gracia works there; you two could tell her before Maes finds out so she can prevent him from going on a rampage and murdering us all,”

“You’re a genius lieutenant!”

“That was my idea, assho-”

“Shut up Fullmetal,”

After a phone call with a very confused secretary, Roy finally managed to get a hold of Gracia. She agreed to leave work early to meet them at her house and discuss the “emergency”, despite the fact that Roy wouldn’t give her any details on the situation.

 

To say the drive to the Hughes’ house was tense would be an understatement. The only one who spoke was Elicia who was chatting away with an occasional “fuck” thrown into the mess of baby babble. Ed swore he heard her say “shit” at least once.

Gracia was still wearing her scrubs when she opened the door. She greeted Roy and Ed with a warm smile that gave Roy a tiny sliver of hope that he might make it out of the house alive.

“Looking after Elicia must have been good practice for you and Hawkeye,” she winked at Roy. “You did a good job; just listen to her chatting away! I bet she’ll be ready to say her first word any day now,” Gracia beamed.

“Yeah, about that-”

“Fuck,” Elicia giggled.

They held their breath as they waited for Gracia explode. The seconds ticked by for what felt like hours, but the storm never came. 

“Oh, isn’t that just wonderful,” she said, just a little too sweetly. “My baby girl’s first word,” her voice dripped with sarcasm. She took Elicia out of the stroller and held her protectively against her chest as if being too close to the alchemists would taint her child. When she turned to Roy she was smiling, but her eyes were stone cold.

“I’ll go put Elicia upstairs. Please, come in; I’ll put some tea over so we can properly discuss this little mishap,”

Roy wondered if she was planning on poisoning their tea. At least being poisoned would be better than facing the wrath of his best friend.

“Thank you, Mrs Hughes,”. Ed smiled as he followed Gracia into the house without hesitation. He must have missed the murderous look in her eyes.

Ed was already stuffing his face with Gracia’s home-baked cookies when Roy finally managed to gather up the courage to make his way into the living room. At least I’ll know if the cookies are poisoned, he thought.

Ed leaned back on the couch. “My plan was clearly much better than anything you could come up with,” he said between mouthfuls of cookie. “Without my genius idea, Hughes would probably have flayed us alive by now,”

Roy envied Ed’s confidence. He had never seen Gracia furious before, but if she was anything like Maes this was not going to be a pleasant visit.

When Gracia returned her smile was gone and her eyes were filled with a primal rage he had only seen twice before: once in the eyes of Wrath himself, and a second time when he had shown General Armstrong his new design for the female uniform.

“Please, sit down,” she said. It was not a request but an order. The colonel obeyed and sat down on the couch beside Edward.

Gracia locked the door with more force than necessary before she marched over to the coffee table. “Care to explain why my baby girl is swearing like a sailor?”

Roy tried to avoid eye contact. “I guess we really fucked up this time…”

If looks could kill, Gracia would have slaughtered Roy on the spot.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading my dumb story!
> 
> I have most of the second chapter outlined so if you like this I might write it if I have time. 
> 
> This my first fanfic so I hope it didn't suck too much :')
> 
> fun fact: this is partially based on a true story. when I was a baby I heard my dad swear when he accidentally hurt himself so I thought "fuck" meant "ouch"...
> 
> thanks to Nora (decoloraa on Instagram) for giving me lots of ideas and inspiring me to write this mess!


End file.
